Fullmetal's Facebook
by Nightshadowmidnight
Summary: Ed has never heard of this 'Facebook' shit or whatever the hell Mustang's got him signed up for. Seriously, what use has the Fullmetal Alchemist for social networking? Yet here he is with his new account, being forced to discover the joys of the internet. And it seems that half of Amestris has gotten there before him. (And in case you're wondering I do not own Facebook. At all.)
1. 1

**_A/N: I do not own Facebook... Just saying._****  
**

* * *

Major Edward Elric stormed down the corridors of the hotel in a silent rage, a distinct fiery aura radiating from his very being. Staff nearby quickly scurried out of his way; stopping their usual cheerful greetings halfway and taking cover lest they face the wrath of the Fullmetal Alchemist. Only last week he'd sent someone running for their lives. No one was really quite sure what happened (the most they'd heard about the cause of Ed's rage was something along the lines of 'bastards', 'ambush' and 'palm trees'. Whatever that meant), but it was a unanimous agreement between all that worked in the establishment that to piss off Fullmetal was a _very _bad idea.

And nobody really wanted to find themselves in the middle of a messy, slapdash transmutation.

So, set on reaching his hotel room and carrying out his latest order, Edward picked up his pace. Eventually reaching his destination, he flung open the door, slammed it shut behind him and stomped over to the desk where there sat a small, thin, metallic-looking device just waiting for him to open it up and get to work.

He did just that. He plonked himself down in the small, rickety chair and opened up the laptop. Ed grimaced seeing the military's emblem on the corner of the keyboard and again on the screen as the device loaded. He'd have to make a note to change the background as well.

Anyway, having the computer started up, Ed quickly opened up the internet, now intent on getting his task over with quickly. He followed the instructions he'd been given by the Colonel; going onto this strange new site and filling in his details where it told him to. Once finished he huffed in annoyance. Was this it?

Agitated by the lack of importance and beginning to wonder why he'd ever let the others bully him into the idea, he began to type away at the keyboard.

* * *

**Edward Elric: **Alright Colonel Bastard you got your wish, I'm on this facebook thing or whatever. Now what?

**_Roy Mustang_**_, **Alphonse Elric**, **Ling Yao** and **3 others **like this._

_Comments:  
_**Roy Mustang: **Finally Fullmetal!

**Alphonse Elric: **Wow brother, I didn't expect you to actually create an account.

**Edward Elric: **Al?! Even you're on here?! And what's that bar? Why does everyone keep liking this?

**Alphonse Elric: **Of course I'm on here, brother. The Colonel insisted I get a facebook too.

**Roy Mustang: **Yes I insisted! I figured it would be useful to keep in contact whilst you're away from Central.

**Edward Elric: **You would bastard.

**Roy Mustang: **Just spend some time getting used to the site, Fullmetal.

**Riza Hawkeye: **Sir, I thought I'd find you on here. Have you gotten the chance to start on that paperwork I gave you yet?

**Roy Mustang: **Crap.  
**_Edward Elric _**_likes this._

* * *

It was truly odd, Ed thought.

Honestly, how many people had an account on this thing? He hadn't even heard its _name_ before Mustang mentioned it that morning. Not many people even had internet access in some parts of the country and yet here it was as if he'd just stepped into some virtual universe with all its little 'groups' - communities in which people interacted just as they would in the street. Frankly he found it hard to believe that he'd somehow been able to avoid something so seemingly huge.

"Oi, Al," he spoke up, turning away from the screen to stare at the hunk of metal on the other side of the room.

Alphonse lowered the book in his hands and met the older boy's gaze. "Yes, brother?" he asked, a metallic ring to his soft voice.

"How long has this 'Facebook' crap been around?"

Al hummed in thought, abandoning his book completely and placing it on the table. "I'm not sure…" he began. "Only a couple of years now, brother. The internet is still quite new."

Edward grumbled in response, shifting back to scowl at the laptop screen. Not a second later that blasted notification box came to life once more with a friend request.

Opening the request, his jaw hit the desk. _"Winry too?"_

* * *

**Edward Elric: **How the hell many people have facebook?! Nobody told me this!

_Comments:  
_**Roy Mustang: **Well if you'd started sooner…

**Edward Elric: **You shut the hell up.

**Winry Rockbell: **You didn't know I had a fb Ed? I spend whole nights on here!

**Edward Elric: **How should I know what you're doing in that auto-cave of yours?

**Winry Rockbell: **It's not an auto-cave it's my workshop!

**Edward Elric: **Yeah whatever you say automail freak.

**Winry Rockbell: **WHAT was that alchemy freak?

**_Roy Mustang _**_likes this._

**Edward Elric: **WHAT DO YOU THINK I SAID AUTOMAIL FREAK?

**Winry Rockbell: ***grabs wrench*  
**_Roy Mustang _**_likes this._

**Edward Elric: **ENOUGH WITH THE LIKES COLONEL BASTARD!  
**_Ling Yao _**_likes this._

**Edward Elric: **WHAT EVEN LING TOO?!

* * *

**_Edward Elric _**_is now friends with **Winry Rockbell**, **Ling Yao**, **Izumi Curtis**, and **5 other people**._

* * *

_"How?" _he pointed to the screen in disbelief as he scrolled down through the list of people new to his Facebook account.

**_You have accepted Winry Rockbell's friend request._**

"Calm down, brother!" Al stood to the side, waving his hands as if the motion would somehow calm Ed down, but to no avail.

Ed's eyes darted between his brother and his Facebook. "Does Resembool even _have _internet?"

**_You have accepted Ling Yao's friend request._**

The alchemist paused upon seeing the new name in his friend request box. He blinked once or twice before uttering,

"Isn't he in _Xing?"_

**_You have accepted Izumi Curtis's friend request._**

A bead of sweat formed on his brow.

T-Teacher..?"

Al regarded his brother with caution. "Ed-"

_"How come **I **never heard of this site?"_

* * *

**_Alphonse Elric _**_is at – **Lior** with **Edward Elric.**_

**_Edward Elric _**_posted on **Alphonse Elric's **timeline: _Oi, Al I think we've gotta get outta here. I don't like the looks these people are giving us.

_Comments:  
_**Alphonse Elric: **Be nice, brother.

**Edward Elric: **I'm serious Al! I think they remember us from last time…

**Alphonse Elric: **But we made their lives better in the end, right?

**Edward Elric: **…We abolished their entire religion Al.

**Alphonse Elric: **B-But they were free from that Father Cornello afterwards and rebuilt their town!

**Edward Elric: **No Al. Just No.

**Edward Elric: **Oh come on let's just leave Al.

**Alphonse Elric: ***sigh* I guess you win, brother.

**Roy Mustang: **Don't forget to bring me your report.

**Edward Elric: **DAMMIT MUSTANG.

* * *

"You know, brother," Al began, watching as Ed awkwardly leaned against a nearby wall and shook the sand from his boots; "maybe the Colonel was right this time. I think it might be best to head back to Central so you can get that report done."

Edward scoffed at the mention of Colonel Mustang and roughly shoved his foot back into the warm, now comfortable and non-sandy boots he'd left to the side. He straightened up, tugged on the collar of his trademark red coat and faced his brother, motioning for them to start walking again to which Alphonse complied.

"You've gotta be kidding me, bro." Ed said almost wearily. "We've just left that hell-hole and now you wanna turn straight _back_?"

"We came to see Lior again, brother, and I don't think it requires us to stay more than a couple nights-"

"Do you realise what a _drag _scribbling out all those papers is?"

"It has to be handed in on time!" Al pushed. "The Colonel can't give you any more warnings! It's not just your problem you know, brother. Mustang has his fair share of grief over this too."

Begrudgingly, Ed sighed. Although the thought of Colonel Bastard getting grilled – so to speak – brought him nothing but pleasure and a sense of euphoria that could only some from such sadism, Al's pleading voice and concern for his older brother ultimately won the battle.

"Alright, fine… But we may as well take the long way round this time."

* * *

**_Edward Elric _**_is at - **Dublith **with **Alphonse Elric.**_

**_Izumi Curtis _**_posted on **Edward Elric's **timeline: _Hey brats you coming here and not stopping by?  
**_Sig Curtis _**_likes this._

_Comments:  
_**Alphonse Elric: **O-Of course we're stopping by, Teacher!  
**_Edward Elric _**_likes this_

**Edward Elric: **Of course! We'll be there in a few!  
**_Izumi Curtis _**_likes this._

**Izumi Curtis: **You'd better be, brats. It's been too long.

**Alphonse Elric: **S-Sorry about that ^^;

* * *

Needless to say, their Teacher truly struck fear into the hearts of the two brothers.

Though this was the woman who had trained them and cared for them and practically treated them as if they were her own, it really had to be said that for all that was worth, Izumi Curtis was still terrifying as fuck.

Terrifying. As. _Fuck._

So although the two boys were for once willing to be as pleasant as humanely possible (for Ed at least) – because she _was _keeping them from an early journey back to the city – the competitive glint in her eyes when she had opened the door to them made them want to turn and run as fast as hell. That and they had a feeling she was annoyed over their lack of visits over the past few months. And a good few _long_ months they had been judging by the look on her face.

"AH!"

Alphonse would've jumped out of his skin. If he had any at least.

"It's about time!" Izumi opened the door as far as it could go, but made no move to step aside and let them in.

"A-Ah," Ed almost stammered; "Teacher, how've you-"

The sound of cracking knuckles cut him right off.

"So how about some training?" Izumi stepped forward and the brothers had to resist the urge to scramble away like frightened mice. "Show me how you've improved!"

* * *

_Messages:_

**Alphonse Elric: **Hey brother, do you think we should hide the meat cleaver from her yet?  
**Edward Elric: **I don't know Al… She seems pretty calm tonigh so we'dhadlkcoahcavjajlkaggajik

**Alphonse Elric: **? Edward?

**Alphonse Elric: **Brother?

**Alphonse Elric: **…

**Alphonse Elric: **BROTHER!

**Edward Elric: **Sorry bout that bro, but yes. Yes I do think it's time to hide the meat cleaver from her.

**Edward Elric: **GAH! She's at the door again! Gotta go!

**_Edward Elric _**_has left the conversation._

**Alphonse Elric: **Ah do I have to go save him now?


	2. 2

_**A/N: Wow, so seeing as I got a real positive response from the first chapter, have a second one! I didn't plan to post this idea and I wasn't sure if I would ever publish it at all, so I'm really pleased that some people liked it. ^^**_

_**Also I'm aware that I've just completely fucked up the FMAB timeline (what with Ling having left yet Al still being in his armour…), but it's only a fic. I have no intention to make the timeline make sense. After all, I want to include all or at least the majority of the characters and some of them aren't even alive by the end.**_

_**As well as not owning Facebook, I also do not own Wikipedia. Just to let y'all know.**_

* * *

In the darkening halls of the Central Command Centre, many of the military's staff went about their daily business, eager to finish up their work as quickly as possible so that they could return to the warm comfort of their homes for the evening or the safe and light-hearted atmosphere that was so strongly attached to the soldier's dorms. But, for Sciezska at least, some work was far from done and the woman found herself trudging along the near-empty hallways, overloaded with a stack of hardback books in her arms that made her joints scream out for mercy. Even for a book-lover such as herself, this was a little too much.

But still she sighed and carried on towards the main library; revelling in the knowledge that once she had given her help to Major Armstrong she would be free from any more of this time-consuming labour and would be able to go back to her apartment and finish that book she'd begun the other night. So far it was really quite gripping and she looked forward to it.

Reaching the entrance to the library, Sciezska managed to pry open the half-open doors with her foot and wandered into the complex maze of shelves in search of her superior.

"Major?"

So far no sign. She glanced at the nearby armchair she'd left him in and frowned. Why did he have to wander?

"Major Armstrong?"

_"SCIEZSKA~~!"_

The librarian paled, catching a sparkle out of the corner of her eye, and abruptly dropped the stack of books she'd been carrying when she turned around only to be faced with the massive muscle man.

_"M-Major?" _she squeaked before being half crushed to death in his massive arms. Armstrong held her tight to his chest – sparkles jumping from his body like sparks – and gleefully declared for all of Central to hear:

_"It is a glorious day! A **glorious **day, my dear Sciezska! Finally our charming Major – Edward Elric – has given in to the lures of the technological world and has joined our online ranks!"_

"W-What are you talking about, Major?"

Armstrong, thankfully, released the poor girl from his grip. "Observe, my dear!"

She found herself in front of the desktop computer a little way down the aisle. Looking at the website she recognised as 'Facebook', Sciezska read the name at the top of the page.

"Edward… Elric?"

* * *

Across the nation of Amestris, Edward sat at his desk as still and unmoving a rock – possibly even frozen in place once he had fully read the latest notification on his account. Alphonse soon entered the room, but even his voice was not enough to stir the boy from his current, almost lifeless, state.

"I think Teacher's calmed down now, brother, so if you want to go out and grab some dinner you'd be quite safe." Al informed him, shutting the bedroom door behind him before turning to face his older sibling. "You want me to come with you brother?"

No response.

"Brother!" Al gasped, now fully noticing Ed's unresponsiveness. "Brother, what's wrong!" He panicked, rushing over with full concern, the floorboards shaking violently with every step of his bulky armour. "Brother, are you okay? What happened? Is there something wrong with your computer? It looks like the screen's producing sparks!"

Finally, Ed snapped out of it for the first time in what seemed like an eternity. He slowly, shakily shook his head and with a trembling voice responded; "Those aren't sparks, Al…" and, in an action that appeared to take all the strength from his entire being, he brought up his Facebook page for his younger brother to see.

"Ooh… I see…"

* * *

**_Alex Louis Armstrong _**_has sent you a friend request._

**_Edward Elric _**_is now friends with **Alex Louis Armstrong**_

**_Alex Louis Armstrong _**_posted on **Edward Elric's **timeline: _Edward Elric! So our young Major Elric has finally discovered the joys of the site that is Facebook! I welcome you to our humble online community with open arms~!

_Comments:  
_**Edward Elric: ***screams*  
**_Riza Hawkeye_**_, **Roy Mustang** and **Alphonse Elric **like this._

* * *

**_Edward Elric _**_is now friends with **Jean Havoc**, **Kain Fuery**,** Vato Falman**, and** Heymans Breda**._

**_Heymans Breda _**_posted on **Edward Elric's **timeline: _Ah, so Fullmetal finally made his way on here?

_Comments:  
_**Jean Havoc: **Oh now this is unusual.

**Edward Elric: **Blame Colonel Bastard.

**Roy Mustang: **What was that Fullmetal?

**Edward Elric: **Fuck you.  
**_Jean Havoc _**_likes this._

**Roy Mustang: **Feeling a bit… Short tempered today are we?

**Edward Elric: **WHO ARE YOU CALLING A TINY MIDGET SIZED BEAN-SPROUT PIPSQUEAK WHO'S SO SHORT HE CAN'T EVEN REACH THE KEYBOARD!

**Kain Fuery: **H-He didn't say any of that…  
**_Heymans Breda _**_and **Vato Falman **like this._

**Edward Elric: **Still a bastard.  
**_Jean Havoc_**_,** Vato Falman **and **Riza Hawkeye **like this._

**Roy Mustang: **RIZA!

**Riza Hawkeye: **Well you are being unusually bitchy today, sir.  
**_Edward Elric _**_likes this._

**Roy Mustang: **!

**Jean Havoc: **0.0

**Vato Falman: **0.0

**Kain Fuery: **0.0

**Heymans Breda: **0.0

**Riza Hawkeye: **…What?

**Edward Elric: **X'D

* * *

"Brother?" Al (politely as ever, that adorable kid) knocked once on Edward's door before entering the room. Opening the door, the hysterical laughter he'd managed to hear from the kitchen downstairs became much louder than he'd expected. "Edward, what's so funny?"

Ed, with tears glistening in the corners of his golden eyes and half-sliding from his seat as his body was shaken with laughter, merely pointed to the screen of his computer, unable to form any sort of coherent sentence.

Al wandered over cautiously before taking in the comment – one of Riza's – that Ed was pointing to.

"Oh dear…"

The Fullmetal Alchemist tipped his head back over his chair and cried some more.

* * *

Nods and salutes were exchanged between Fullmetal and other military officers passing by as the boy marched down the corridors of Central Command. The military atmosphere, Ed always found, was stiff and sterile and completely and utterly grey. It seemed little had changed since the Elric brothers' last visit. (Not that they expected any improvements, anyway.)

Ed nodded firmly to a soldier exiting the library as he walked past, heading for the male changing rooms on the opposite side of the building. If he had to face Colonel Mustang today, he wanted a chance to rid himself of that 'filthy feel' he always seemed to experience after periods of travel, however brief they were.

Halfway down the corridor, Ed felt the sudden vibration of his phone in his pocket (weird things, phones, but of course they were just one other thing Mustang had insisted on him having if he were to update his Facebook whilst away) and quickly took it out to check his message.

He scoffed. "God dammit, what does Mustang want now?"

Opening up his Facebook app and finding Roy's new message, all colour left his face.

"Shit."

* * *

**_Edward Elric _**_is at - **Central Command**.  
__**Riza Hawkeye **likes this._

**_Riza Hawkeye _**_posted on **Edward Elric's **timeline: _Edward, don't forget to hand in your report to the Colonel.

_Comments:  
_**Edward Elric: **Oh yeah sure I'll do that.

* * *

_Messages:  
_**Edward Elric: **Bro, I need some time to write my report for Mustang. I'm disappearing to the library for a while.

**Alphonse Elric: **Ugh I told you to start it whilst we were away, brother.

**Edward Elric: **I was attacked by homunculus!

**Alphonse Elric: ***sigh* Fine, fine, but be quick. The deadline's in half an hour.

**Edward Elric: **SHIT!

* * *

**_Roy Mustang _**_posted on **Edward Elric's **timeline: _Hey Fullmetal where's that report on Lior?

_Comments:  
_**Edward Elric: **SHIT!  
**_Jean Havoc _**_and **4 others **like this._

* * *

"Fancy a smoke?"

Breda rolled his eyes at Havoc, who sat back causally at his desk, taking the opportunity to swing up his feet and prop his boots up beside his papers whilst Hawkeye was out of the room. "You know I don't smoke, Jean."

Havoc shrugged. "Don't know what you're missing."

"Sure, well, the next time I catch you nearly coughing up your own damn lungs be sure to remind me of that."

The Second Lieutenant merely tuned him out and lit up, sucking the life out of another one of his cancer sticks and breathing a haze of thick smoke about the room. He let out a satisfied sigh before taking another drag.

"Seriously, go easy." Breda commented, taking a seat again at his desk having filed away a few documents.

Havoc shook his head and flicked the building ash from the end of his cigarette, scooping it into the hidden ash tray he kept in his desk drawer. He would throw the evidence out the window before Hawkeye came back from her extended lunch break. "Nah, man, I need to relax a bit. I've got a date tonight."

_"Again?" _the red-headed man gaped in disbelief.

There was a nod in reply. Breda quickly dropped the subject, unwilling to become more involved in Jean's love life. It was a particularly messy area that he never wished to get himself stuck in. (_Never again.) _And so, the two sat in a now comfortable silence, watching the seconds tick by on the clock and wasting the time they had whilst there was no one around to reprimand them. Of course, there was no Hawkeye, and Mustang was busy in his office with Fullmetal. The kid had returned that morning from his trip to Lior and Roy was eager to receive some sort of report from him on the city's progress since the removal of Father Cornello and since the riots and crime had calmed down. Though it wouldn't have surprised the men if what Mustang received was merely a made-up scribble of nonsense conjured up by Ed on his way home on the train.

It was as the two men were preparing to get back to work once more (because work took time and, well, time was money) when the door to Mustang's office creaked open and out stepped Edward Elric himself. Ed shut the door behind him quickly and turned to face the two men. They both met his gaze at the exact same time and Fullmetal's body froze over.

Jean and Breda frowned, noticing the sudden nervousness (I believe the term would be 'a deer in the headlights', or something of the sort) in the boy and the shifty manner in which he cautiously edged away from the Colonel's office. Ed's eyes switched from Jean to Breda to Jean to Breda etc…

He practically tip-toed – _tip-toed – _forwards and, though it had to be said that he failed quite miserably, attempted to speak casually. "Hey, uh, Havoc, seeing as I'm done with Colonel Bastard and all, you think I can leave now?"

Havoc's reply was delayed as he found himself taken aback quite significantly by the request. "Uh… Sure, kid. You don't have to ask us." He said, unsure of what else to actually say and his words pronounced clearly as possible as though he were talking to a small child.

_"Thanks, Lieutenant!"_

Ed was merely a streak of red and a rush of air as he broke off into a run and left the room. Havoc's ash danced through the air as he and Breda exchanged perplexed expressions.

"What's wrong with Fullmetal?" Breda asked. Havoc shook his head simply.

The two shrugged it off and decided to perhaps question the kid about it later when all of a sudden the door to Mustang's office burst open with a force that nearly tore it from its very hinges and the had two Lieutenants jumping out of their own skins, cowering underneath the desks. Roy stormed through the office, towards the direction of the hallway, brandishing two sheets of paper and pulling out his gloves from his pocket.

_"THIS IS FROM **WIKIPEDIA**, FULLMETAL!"_

And from somewhere deep inside Central Command, Ed could be heard calling for Alphonse, ready to escape to Rush Valley or Resembool or somewhere equally as far away.

_"OH THE JOYS OF THE INTERNET!"_


	3. 3

_"Aaaah~!"_

"Brother, that wasn't really very smart, you know."

Edward, lowering his arms from that well-needed stretch and turning to roll his eyes at his brother, scoffed. "What else would you have done in my situation?" he asked, stepping out of the train station and into the street. "I mean, come on, Al, I was on an impossible time limit!"

At this, Al considered his next point carefully. If he was going to argue against Ed then he was going to do it right. "The Colonel wouldn't have minded if you'd have stayed longer to get the report done properly, Ed."

"You know I'm sure he sent those homunculi after me just for that." Ed grumbled, dragging his suitcase across the cobbled street with a force that had his arm rattling fiercely as the case juddered across the stones.

"Don't be ridiculous!" Al almost laughed at Edward's clear jump to such an absurd conclusion. "How could the Colonel do that?"

"I don't know, Al," the Fullmetal Alchemist began; "but he sure as _hell _has his ways. You know, I'm positive he enjoys sending me away on false leads."

The brothers rounded a corner and found themselves in the middle of a bustling street, but neither paid much attention as they continued on towards their destination. People crowded anywhere it was possible and the two had to fight to continue down the pavement. What Edward _had _noticed though was that it was nearly midday and the heat was becoming stifling, easily seeping through his thick layers and roasting him to the very core. He made the effort to walk just that little bit faster in order to get inside the coolness of Winry's shop sooner. He could just imagine it now – air conditioner, shade, a nice cool drink to ease his drying throat…

With this new thought in mind, Ed decided to drop the topic of Mustang and his latest 'report' in favour of getting out of the sun quicker. "Anyway, Al, I suppose we can just leave it for now. I just wanna get this all sorted out as soon as possible."

"I must say it's impressive." The walking suit of armour beside him commented. "I mean, I know you always go full-out, but this was something else. Winry's going to be really mad at you."

_"Pfft. _Hardly my fault." Was the response. "How can she expect me to keep everything up to scratch all the time when I've got that damn palm tree-type and the one with the claws jumping out from street corners almost every fucking week?"

Ah, yes. As mentioned, Edward only a few days ago had had a rather unfortunate encounter with both Lust and Envy whilst in Central. The fight had been relatively short-lived, however it had to be said that his prosthetics hadn't fared so well. His leg hadn't done too badly. He reckoned it only needed a few bolts tightened and there was a severed plate at the front that needed replacing, but on the whole it was still useable and, so long as he could still walk okay, Ed wasn't too bothered about getting it fixed up in a hurry.

His arm, on the other hand, was an entirely different story. Hence why a visit to Winry was so urgently required.

"Honestly," he continued, his face beginning to burn red in agitation, "_She _ought'a try keeping it _pristine _every time she needs to get her hand dirty! _This-" _Ed held up his automail arm which hang limply by a mere few wires and damaged sockets and shook it as if to prove his point. "-_was not my damn fault!"_

"Brother!" Al gasped loudly, hurriedly going to shove the teenager's broken arm down back into the safety of his bright red jacket. "Be careful, brother! After all, you know-"

But it was too late.

Passers-by had caught the glint of light as the sun hit the metal casing and their eyes were already firmly upon them.

Fucking sun.

Edward gulped loudly and audibly as an eerie silence swallowed the entire street. Al let out a weary sigh that echoed throughout his armour and continued where he'd left off.

"After all… You know what the people around here are like with automail…"

* * *

**Edward Elric: **Uugh already can't wait to get out of Rush Valley…  
**_Jean Havoc _**_likes this._

_Comments:  
_**Winry Rockbell: **WHAT?! Ed I thought you liked it here!

**Edward Elric: **Well yeah, so long as the locals don't keep stripping me in the streets  
**_Alphonse Elric_**_, **Roy Mustang**, **Izumi Curtis**, and **4 others **like this._

**Edward Elric: **THAT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO GET LIKES!  
**_Izumi Curtis _**_and **Ling Yao **like this._

**Winry Rockbell: ***sigh* Ed just get to the shop so I can fix your automail. Which you broke. AGAIN.

**Edward Elric: **H-Hey! It wasn't my fault that I got attacked!

**Winry Rockbell: **Reckless.

**Edward Elric: **I just can't win.

* * *

_"Hey, Winry?"_

Ed's voice rang out through the seemingly empty shop as he called out into the silence, stepping tentatively into the building and looking around, craning his neck round the corner for any sign of the blonde-haired mechanic.

"Oi, Winry! You here?"

"Maybe she's out, brother…" his younger brother reasoned. Al followed shortly behind, ducking his head and managing to squeeze his giant form through the front door without whacking his helmet clean off on the doorframe.

Ed shook his head. "She asked us to get back as soon as only to _leave? _Nah, Al, I don't think so." He responded, wandering further in and calling out for the mechanic again. He shrugged off his jacket and abandoned it over a stool at one of the empty worktops, flexing his metal arm now that it was free from the sweltering confines of the material, before heading for the sitting room on the other side of the ground floor. Alphonse let him go and placed their suitcases on top of a counter. He glanced about the room; littered with nuts and bolts and tools among many other things, some that even he couldn't name.

"Looks like Winry's been kept busy…" He said to himself, a hint of fondness and delight in his tone. "That's good." He took in the sight of the vacant worktops and loose pieces strewn about the place, cocking his head in thought. "Perhaps she has gone out?"

He was about to find his brother once more when a shrill cry rang throughout the building.

_"EDWARD ELRIC! The hell have you done to my automail?"_

_"WIN-"_

_THONK!_

"Brother!"

Al rushed through to the back rooms and was greeted with the sight of Edward's limp, bloody form collapsed at the bottom of the staircase. Evidently Winry had remained in the building. She was stood a few steps up clutching a scarlet stained wrench.

Winry rubbed the metal tool on a rag of cloth. "That'll teach him."

* * *

"Is brother okay after his… incident?" Al asked with all the cautiousness of a timid mouse, watching Winry Rockbell carefully as if she would lash out and hurl random appliances at him if he so much as _reminded _her of the rage she had experienced mere hours ago.

Thankfully though, she just shrugged and continued greasing the joints of her latest creation. Ed's arm lay on the counter behind her, waiting for repairs which she assured the two brothers she would begin once her first job was finished.

"He seemed okay when I left him." Winry answered, though Al could tell from the tone of her voice that she was half-distracted by the work in front of her. He really admired the attention she gave her engineering – the concentration and skill and pure effort she put into every bolt she secured, every plate of steel she sculpted – and he almost felt bad for disturbing her. "He was back on his computer anyway… That's a good sign, right?"

Al hummed in agreement. His older brother probably had some sort of natural immunity (to a certain extent anyway) against Winry-caused concussion.

"Actually," Winry suddenly perked up, sitting upright and pausing entirely in her work; "I think I left some of my equipment in there with him…" She began desperately searching the many, _many _pockets of her trousers, her jacket; she ran a hand across the counter, searching amongst the numerous tools sat on the desk. "Damn." She muttered and with a hefty sigh rose from her seat. "I'll be right back, Al. Don't touch anything."

"Sure, Winry."

Why did she even say so, she wondered as she left the room. Al wouldn't touch anything.

But anyway, off Winry went to the sitting room where she'd last left Edward (he'd been curled up on the sofa with an ice pack held securely to his bloody head wound and grumbling like a five year old kid – it was one of those times where she just wanted to leave him to Al). She spotted her missing equipment immediately on the side board and grabbed it, stowing it away safely into the nearest pocket.

"So," she began, turning slowly to face the alchemist (because if she had to be in here then, really, it'd be a bit cold of her to just straight out ignore the boy – _especially _when she'd beaten him into unconsciousness only earlier that day); "How're you feeling now, E-"

She blinked.

"Edward?"

Ed, from his position on the sofa, stared wide-eyes, open-mouthed at the laptop perched on the arm of the seat with possibly the most shell-shocked expression she had ever seen.

"Ed?" Wandering over, she attempted to shake him out of his unresponsive state. _"Ed_, are you okay?"

Winry wondered how long he'd been like that, for his arm practically creaked when he raised it to point at the screen.

"Huh? What's this?"

* * *

**Edward Elric: **I've gotta say being attacked by homunculus sure is better than getting hit by another wrench.  
**_Paninya Rush_**_, **Ling Yao** and **4 others **like this._

_Comments:  
_**Envy Jealous: **Well I must say I'm flattered, Fullmetal runt.  
**_Lust Lascivious _**_likes this._

**Edward Elric: **WHA?! The homunculi have facebooks too?

**Edward Elric: **WAIT! WHO ARE YOU CALLING A MICRO RUNT YOU FUCKING PALM TREE?!

**Greed Avaricious: **Of course we have facebooks kid. How do you think they found me in Dublith?

**Edward Elric: **I… What?!

**Lust Lascivious: **This idiot here was stupid enough to show his location via his facebook page.  
**_Edward Elric _**_likes this._

**Edward Elric: **PHAHAHAHAHA!

**Greed Avaricious: **Yeah just keep laughing kid -_-

**Greed Avaricious: **Just take my advice and log out of your account before you get hammered

**Ling Yao: **Greed? You have facebook?

**Greed: **Oh it's the kid from Xing. Hey Ling how's the country?

**Ling Yao: **Quite pleasant ^^

**Edward Elric: **Dear God if you're gunna have a reunion on here at least take it to another post jeez.  
**_Lust Lascivious _**_and **Envy Jealous **like this._

* * *

_"How do the homunculi possibly get their hands on computers?"_

Al sighed and shook his head for the umpteenth time that evening. "I don't know, brother. I don't know."

_"How the hell?" _he practically squeaked. Had his voice gotten any higher it would probably have pierced their eardrums.

Winry cast Ed an irritated glance and gestured to the food on the table that she'd served up for dinner. "Are you going to eat that?"

"'Am I going to eat that?'" Ed repeated, pointing to his plate which was still full and steaming with food that would usually have had him salivating before it was even cooked properly. _"'Am I going to eat that?' Winry, the **homunculi **have made their way onto the web **and you wanna know if I'm going to eat that?**"_

She growled dangerously, pushing her chair back with a deafening _'screech!', _picking up her plate and making to leave and finish up in her workshop. "I'm done with you guys."

* * *

**_Edward Elric _**_is now friends with **Envy Jealous**._

_**Edward Elric **is now friends with **Greed Avaricious**._

_**Edward Elric **is now friends with **Lust Lascivious**_

_**Edward Elric **is now friends with **Wrath Furious**._

_**Edward Elric **is now friends with **Pride Arrogant**._

_**Edward Elric **is now friends with **Gluttony Voracious**_

_**Edward Elric **is now friends with **Sloth Indolent**._

* * *

**Edward Elric: **WTF WHY AM I SUDDENLY FRIENDS WITH ALL THESE HOMUNCULUS?!  
**_Greed Avaricious _**_and **Envy Jealous **like this._

_Comments:  
_**Alphonse Elric: **Brother, you had to have accepted all of their friend requests.

**Edward Elric: **…That's what I was doing?  
**_Roy Mustang_**_, **Lust Lascivious**, **Envy Jealous **and **2 others **like this._

**Alphonse Elric: ***facepalm* Brother… I thought the Colonel told you to get used to facebook.

**Edward Elric: **And what?  
**_Jean Havoc _**_likes this._

**Edward Elric: **Just when I thought this facebook shit couldn't get any weirder…

* * *

Alphonse strolled calmly down the streets of Rush Valley. It was a relatively calm day for a change; people seemed to have cleared the streets for the most part and a big guy like our favourite young Elric for once had no problem making his way through the town at all. He sighed in content, happy to be able to do so since being locked away in this cold, metallic body.

"I wonder why brother and I don't visit here more often…" He mused as he made his way back to Winry's shop, passing small children playing and well-mannered shop owners who greeted him as he went by. "Once you get over their obsession for automail, I don't see the problem." He rounded a corner and the shop was in sight. "Maybe I could have a talk with Ed about-"

_CRASH!_

**_"WHAT THE FUCK?"_**

Al's next sigh was less of contentment as he watched the laptop fly out of the window above. More like… dread. Annoyance. Weariness.

"What's brother done now?"

* * *

**_"Envy." _**Lust snapped, her voice as cold as the bitter Briggs wind. She held up her deadly claws to the light of the underground lair, making them glint and shine so as to possibly strike fear into her pesky little brother's heart. If he had one. "Just what do you find so funny over there?"

It had gotten to the point where the homunculus was now knelt down onto the ground, making breathless gasping sounds in place of actual laughter. He wiped one of the many tears from his eyes, but found he didn't have the breath to answer.

* * *

**_Edward Elric _**_is now friends with **Homunculus Father**._

**Edward Elric: **FUCK IT GOT WEIRDER!  
**_15 people _**_like this._

* * *

**_A/N: And yet more fucking up of the Fullmetal timeline with the introduction of the somehow still alive homunculi. What more could you want? And also, Paninya doesn't have a last name apparently… So I just named her 'Rush' as in 'Rush Valley'. Same for the homunculus, so I just stuck with their little titles e.g. 'Envy the Jealous', 'Gluttony the Voracious' and so forth. _****_I'm not sure what I'm going to do with the possibility of the Führer having a Facebook. Or maybe he'll have two just to fool everybody. I don't know yet :L_**

**_Also I'm aware that this was more story than Facebook. I'm going to try and add more of it in, but at the same time I've gotta keep the story seeing as script or text style entries aren't permitted on Fanfiction._**


	4. 4

It was unbearable. _Unbearable! _The scorching sun, the sizzling heat, the sand that practically burned a hole in his boots if he so much as _brushed _them across the ground… He wondered how Ling and his party had managed to make their way across the entire expanse of sand that stretched all the way to Xing which lay nearly halfway across the entire world. Honestly, it made him for a moment really admire his Xingese friend. To have enough determination and stamina to enable him to travel all that way by foot… It was truly honourable.

Ed did not like deserts. At all. Experiencing all the bitter harshness of this arid landscape once again was definitely not way up on his to-do list, but he had a job to do. He and his brother on their way back to the city had taken up a little voluntary work all in the name of procrastination (because the eldest Elric brother was never fond of returning to Central only to pick up more of his duties). His job: to travel out to the ruins of Xerxes and confirm that the last of the Ishvallan refugees had left the area. With the east in a significantly better state than it had been only months ago, most of them had returned back to their homes, but the military was positive that some would be too wary to venture back.

Ed glanced up at the clear sky only to look back down as the blinding sun hit his eyes. He hoped it would stay high in the sky for a long while yet. He didn't want to have to camp there overnight and the gear that chinked against Alphonse's armour whenever the boy stepped was a constant reminder of this dreaded possibility. He was grateful when Al readjusted the luggage he carried and the chinking stopped.

"I think we're almost there, Al." Edward commented, eyeing a barely visible block of white stone that stuck out from the ground, half-concealed in orange sand. "See anything, bro?"

Standing far taller than his brother, Al had a much clearer view over the horizon than the other did. (Not that Ed was short or anything. Al was just gigantic. Yeah, that was it.)

"I think so, brother!" relief was evident in the boy's voice. "I can see some structures up ahead."

"Alright!" With renewed vigour, Ed marched forwards. "Let's get going!"

"_Ah-! Brother_, don't leave me behind!"

* * *

Collapsing onto a surprisingly sturdy wall and leaning back to catch his breath, Ed could honestly say that he had never been so relieved to see the fallen city in his entire life and as he sat there – muscles relaxing, greedily drinking down almost half of his water – he felt as though he had achieved something truly great. Al said he was exaggerating, but then again Al didn't even need water or run low on energy no matter how far they had walked, so Ed vowed that the minute his brother was restored to his former self he would make him sprint the entire way to Xerxes and see how he liked it. Maybe even to Xing. And then back again.

_"Tch… _Maybe the heat is messing with my head…"

"What was that, Ed?"

The blonde shook his head. "Ah, nothing. Say, Al, did Mustang finally give you one of these too?" He rummaged around in his bag for a moment before pulling out his mobile, holding it up for the other to see.

"Actually, he did just before we left." Alphonse from out of nowhere produced his own small phone. "Although… I haven't actually been able to use it." He shrunk down to sit on a nearby step and added rather sheepishly; "My hands are too big to get the hang of it…"

A pang of sympathy shot through Ed's chest at the sight of his forlorn little brother. "Hey," he began, his voice soft and reassuring; "You'll get used to it soon, bro."

The metal suit nodded silently.

_"Anyway!" _Edward said loudly in the hopes of lightening the mood by changing the subject. He stood up and unlocked his shiny phone, tapping away busily at the screen. "Seeing as we're here, might as well check in and let the others know we've arrived."

Al glanced up, puzzled. "But, Ed, how do you even have any internet connection out here?"

"Al, the _homunculi _have Facebooks. I'm past questioning these things"

* * *

**_Edward Elric _**_is at – **Xerxes **with **Alphonse Elric**._

_ **Winry Rockbell**, **Riza Hawkeye **and **3 others **like this._

**Edward Elric: **I'd forgotten how damn hot these ruins can get in the desert -.-

_Comments:  
_**Alphonse Elric: **I feel sorry for you, brother.

**Winry Rockbell: **Look after your automail.  
**_Paninya Rush _**_likes this.  
_

**Edward Elric: **Yeah yeah I'll look after it automail freak.

**Winry Rockbell: **I'm sorry Ed? *clutches wrench*

**Edward Elric: **I shall do my very best to keep my automail in tip-top condition! :D  
**_Winry Rockbell _**_likes this.  
_

**Winry Rockbell: **Very good Ed.

**Alphonse Elric: ***facepalm*

* * *

Sat in the lap of luxury, newly-crowned Emperor Ling Yao sat with his laptop balanced on his knees, staring with intrigue at the glowing screen. Several servants entered the room, allowed in by the guards to His Imperial Highness' chambers, and gently placed trays full of food down on the lowered table in front. Noticing, Ling bowed his head to them in thanks and shot the women a cheerful grin. "Thank you, ladies! I shall enjoy!"

They quickly bowed back before leaving the room. He chuckled at the blushes he had seen on their dainty little cheeks. Apparently his father has been far less kind to the staff that served him day and night. Ling didn't understand it. If he wanted to be a respected or accepted by his people then he had to be pleasant to them.

But anyway, Ling looked back at the computer. Brilliant inventions, they were. It had come in handy multiple times whilst he managed his country, but one of its best and most wonderful features, he thought, was this social networking thing. The ability to contact anyone in the world with just a push of a button! And he had so many comrades back across the great desert and living in that far away nation of Amestris. To be able to contact with them so easily once more was a joy and so he was currently scrolling down his Facebook newsfeed, checking up on current Amestrian events. His eyes caught sight of one particular post and he let out a hum as his intrigue began to peak.

_"Ooh? _Now this is interesting…_"_

* * *

_'BZZ!'_

Alphonse paused and looked back over his shoulder hearing the sudden buzzing from inside Ed's coat pocket. "Duty calls again, brother?"

Ed didn't answer. He wearily dragged out his phone before staring at the screen. He sighed deeply.

"What is it?"

Wordlessly, Ed extended his arm to show Al the screen.

"Oh…"

* * *

**_Ling Yao _**_posted on **Edward Elric's **timeline: _Yo Fullmetal Alchemist! How's Xerxes? So long as you're close and all, how's about a visit to Xing?  
**_Mei Chang _**_likes this._

_Comments:  
_**Alphonse Elric: **I'd love to visit Xing someday…

**Edward Elric: **Woah woah woah back up a sec isn't it like three weeks across a massive desert?

**Ling Yao: **Yup.

**Edward Elric: **…

**Alphonse Elric: **Um, I think brother might have to think about it ^^;

* * *

"Brilliant. Just brilliant."

"Now don't be so mean, brother. They're just being friendly."

"But seriously, I mean, just _look _at them all, Al!" Ed huffed as he scrolled down his notifications. "I friend Ling and suddenly half of _Xing's_ sending me friend requests?"

* * *

**_Edward Elric _**_is now friends with **Mei Chang**, **LanFan Yao** and **Xiao Mei**._

* * *

_"WHAT THE HELL?"_

_"Brother!" _Alphonse cried out in alarm as all of a sudden Ed began to screech at his phone. _"What on Earth's wrong?"_

Eyes wide, Ed responded; "The panda, Al! _The freaking panda! _I thought it was a _joke_, but-!"

Taken aback, the younger sibling paused before responding in uneasily; "P-Panda? Brother are you perfectly okay? You don't need more water, do you?"

Ed nearly threw his phone into the sand. _"Al, the panda has a Facebook!"_

"W-What..?"

* * *

**_Edward Elric _**_posted on **Mei Chang's **timeline: _Why does your panda have a facebook account?

_Comments:  
_**Mei Chang: **Xiao Mei always seemed interested in my account… So I made one for her ^^  
**_Xiao Mei _**_likes this._

**Edward Elric: **Are you seriously telling me that the panda goes on facebook?!

**Mei Chang: **Yes of course she does.  
**_Xiao Mei _**_likes this._**  
**

**Edward Elric:** How? Wha? Why?  
**_Xiao Mei _**_likes this.  
_

**Mei Chang: **Why shouldn't she have a Facebook?  
**_Xiao Mei _**_likes this._

**Edward Elric: **BECAUSE IT'S A FUCKING PANDA  
**_Xiao Mei _**_likes this._

**Mei Chang: **Xiao Mei thinks your language is atrocious.  
**_Xiao Mei _**_likes this._**  
**

**Edward Elric: **How does it keep liking all of this stuff?  
**_Xiao Mei _**_likes this._**  
**

**Edward Elric: **ARE YOU SERIOUS?!  
**_Mei Chang_**_, **Ling Yao **and **Xiao Mei **like this._

* * *

_"The fuck, Al? How the fuck does the panda use Facebook how did this happen how does this work how in the name of Truth is this possible I mean I can't even begin to fucking comprehend this is impossible how has it come to internet using pandas-"_

Stood against the setting sun and sighing heavily at the broken state of his brother, Alphonse simply wrapped one large arm around Ed's shoulders and began to lead him back out into the desert in the hopes that he would calm down with some fresh air and a nice long walk.

"Come on, brother, let's get you home. I think it' time the Colonel briefed you for your next trip anyway…"

* * *

_**A/N: Wow sorry that this update's been later than the others. It's exam time and it's pretty damn stressful. I'll try and keep on top of everything, but the next one may take a little while. Sorry about that.**_


End file.
